| Location | Walsall |
| Age | 0 |
| Cause of Death | Not Listed? |
| Date of Birth | 16/10/2009 |
| Date of Death | 13/10/2009 |
| Visitors | 4,406 since 03/11/2009 |
| Creator |
March 09 i remember how happy i was, staring at those 2 red lines on the pregnancy test, me daddy and your
big brother kian were so excited and couldnt wait to meet you in november, it felt like a life time away, kian even ran round the house holding the pregnancy test thinking you were inside it!
I loved watching my belly expand each day,and i longed to feel your first kick.
At 17 weeks pregnant i had paid for a gender scan, it was a present for daddy on fathers day, we found out you were a boy, i knew all along because you gave me the exact same pregnancy as your big brother, no sickness, just tiredness :).
At 20 weeks we were down the caravan when i felt your first big kick, then you didnt stop, kian loved watching you move around and daddy loved feeling you kick his hands. In the bath id sit and watch my belly do the mexican wave, id talk to you, and tell you how much i cant wait to cuddle you... you kept me company when daddy was at work and Kian at school, i miss those kicks.
Then at 23 weeks we had another scan, it was the 27th july, the day our world turned upside down, the sonographer concentrated on your brain and told us she needed a second opinion, right then we knew something was wrong, we cried and was sent to a little room with flowers and tissues, we were told you had Ventriculomegaly, fluid on the brain.
We hoped and prayed every night for some kind of miracle,someone to help you get better but as the weeks went by and after tests, scans and mri scans, at 33 weeks we were told it was severe, the fluid had increased so much, your brain didn't have the room to develop properly, what brain you did have was small and thin, you were missing brain tissue, you wouldnt have much of life, our heart was broken.
We were offered a termination, but how could we end your life when it hadnt even begun? do we be selfish and keep you so mommy and daddy didn't have to suffer the heartache of losing a child, watching you endure operations and a life time of misery? or do we take away your suffering and put it onto ourselves... no parent should ever have to be faced with such a decision, but we was, and we didn't want you to suffer any more.
13th october daddy kissed my tummy and told you how sorry and how much we all love you, we cried our heart out, the drive to the hospital knowing we only had minutes left with you was something i hope we never have to go through again. when they took me to the room, i couldnt stop shaking, daddy was crying so hard, they told me to keep still, but how could i knowing within minutes you would be gone.
At 10:46 am i felt your last kick and i knew you were gone, the room was silent,your little heart stopped beating, even the midwives were crying with us. That day, a part of us died with you too.
I had you in my tummy for 2 days untill i could be induced it felt like torture, i longed for you to kick back when i touched my tummy, i watched you in the bath to see if you made my tummy ripple, but it didn't, you didn't move, but i could still make out the shape of you, so small and still.
16th october, i could hear women above me in pain giving birth, then a baby cry, i wasn't jelous, it was lovely to hear a baby cry, i just wished that was me up there.
2:36 am i gave my final push and you were born, so silent.
I didn't want to see you, i didnt no what to expect, what you would look like mommy was scared so daddy saw you first, i watched as tears streamed down his face, then he brought you over to me.
I needn't have worried, I couldn't help but smile at you, you looked so perfect, i felt so proud of you, it was hard to imagine so many things were wrong on the inside,you were so beautiful.
Mommy and daddy held you and spent 14 hours with you, memories that we will treasure for ever.
I couldn't stop kissing your tiny feet, and as i lifted up your hat i noticed you had a pointy ear just like mine and your big brothers.
Saying that final goodbye and giving you that last kiss me and daddy whispered how sorry we was and how much we love you then the midwife took you away.
Leaving the hospital empty handed was the hardest thing to do, i longed to hold you in my arms, kiss your cheeks and whisper how much i love you, but i knew that would never happen again, i broke down.
For those 8 short months you were with us, you made us so happy, and i wouldn't change it for the world.
I just hope one day you will understand why mommy and daddy did what we did and forgive us for that decision. We didn't want to bring you into this world to endure nothing but suffering, pain and misery, instead we have taken away your pain and put it onto our selves, the pain of losing you is unbearable, the thought of never hearing you cry, chuckle, or seeing your eyes, tucking you into your cot, or watching you grow is heart breaking, but you are safe now with grandad, away from any pain or misery, we miss you so much...
Sweet dreams Kaden
All our love
Mommy, daddy and your big brother Kian
xXx
Xmas
Happy xmas my little pudding, love and kisses sent to u and grandad mwah!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thinking of my baby angel as xmas is approaching...Love you to the moon and back xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Happy birthday to my special boy xxx
Well well well look whos getting a big boy now!!! 2 years old already!...I have a picture in my mind of what u look like...blonde hair and brown eyes and a smile that could melt anyones heart...just like kian when he was 2.
It feels like im seperated from you by a huge door...i want to get to you but the door wont open no matter how hard i try...i can imagine u on the other side reaching out for a cuddle off ur mommy and daddy and wanting us to bring u home :'( I wish i could bring u home. I hope grandad has got u safely on his lap holding u tight rocking u and giving u all the cuddles that we cant. Ine day i promise we will give u the biggest cuddle in the world!!!
Look out for the lantern lil man...it's full of love for u.
All our love..mommy, daddy, kian and sian
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To our little angel in the sky
Hey there little man,
well its been two years now and every time october comes your mommy and daddy fall apart with the pain they felt the day they had to say goodbye. You are one loved little boy and I wish so wish I could just somehow bring you back here even for a second so they could hold you again. Kaden i hope you are playing your grandad up up there ,say hi to him for me :)
you will always be in my heart and I know one day your mommy and daddy will see you again, it just hurts so much that you are not here :(
MISS YOU LITTLE MAN
SLEEP TIGHT ANGEL
XXX
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XXXX Happy Angelday Sweetheart XXXX
October has arrived and mommy's falling to peices again :'( all the memories of that horribe day flooding back, the midwives, the little room with tissues and flowers. They same time is a healer and it does get better but as soon as october comes it;s like im back there again. faced with this awful decision :'(
Ilove u so much angel, and there will forever be a place in my heart for you. I love u, kian and sian all the same. Just because u arn't with me in sight i can still feel u with me. My arms held you and i remember smelling ur little face. I miss u so much :'(
big floaty kisses my sweet baby boy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Love u little man miss you lots and lots....tell grandad not to turn my computer off again, or at leaste let me save my work first hehehe mwah xxxxxxxxxxxxx
love u lots and lots my big boy growing uo so fast, only 2 months until ur 2nd birthday xXx Miss u lots xXx
love u lots and lots my big boy growing uo so fast, only 2 months until ur 2nd birthday xXx Miss u lots xXx
I dont come on here everyday like i used to, it's not because i forget about you, it just upsets me :(
Mommys doing a course which will take 1 yr to do and will alow me into university to train as a midwife, it's so hard sometimes but i only have to look at you and i keep going, i have you on my desk to keep me going :)...i want a better life for my babies all of you and although it's going to be hard work it will be rewarding at the end, since the day i gave birth to you it made me want to become a midwife, you were so beautiful i just wish u could have opened your eyes, just for a split second and in that second you would have known how much you were loved, how much you ARE loved. Even nanny caravan has had ur name tattoo onto her hand with butterflies:)
Kian had his sports day today and won 2 races and came 2nd in the other race im so proud of him :) i sometimes sit and imagine what it would be like in this house if u were with us , you would be comming 2 yrs old and playing kian up :)
Sian is a beauty and looks like you and kian, shes 6 months now and comming on lovely, when she is bigger we will tell her all about her big brother and how much of an impact u had on our lives xXx
Miss you more than anyone wil ever know, and i know you are safe and happy up there with grandad :)
Big floaty kisses sent to heaven x X x
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