Kaden Ross Preen

March 09 i remember how happy i was, staring at those 2 red lines on the pregnancy test, me daddy
and your
big brother kian were so excited and couldnt wait to meet you in november, it felt like a life time
away!
I loved watching my belly expand each day,and i longed to feel your first kick.
At 17 weeks pregnant i had paid for a gender scan, it was a present for daddy on fathers day, we
found out you were a boy, i knew all along because you gave me the exact same pregnancy as your big
brother, no sickness, just tiredness :).
At 20 weeks i felt your first big kick, then you didnt stop, kian loved watching you move around and
daddy loved feeling you kick his hands. In the bath id sit and watch my belly do the mexican wave,
id talk to you, and tell you how much i cant wait to cuddle you... you kept me company when daddy
was at work and Kian at school, i miss those kicks.
Then at 23 weeks we had another scan, it was the 27th july, the day our world turned upside down,
the sonographer concentrated on your brain and told us she needed a second opinion, right then we
knew something was wrong, i cried and was sent to a little room with flowers and tissues, we were
told you had Ventriculomegaly, fluid on the brain.
We hoped and prayed every night for some kind of miracle,someone to help you get better but as the
weeks went by and after tests, scans and mri scans, at 33 weeks we were told it was severe, the
fluid had increased so much, your brain didn't have the room to develop properly, what brain you did
have was small and thin, you were missing brain tissue, you wouldnt have much of life, our heart was
broken.
We were offered a termination, but how could we end your life when it hadnt even begun? do we be
selfish and keep you so mommy and daddy didn't have to suffer the heartache of losing a child,
watching you endure operations and a life time of misery? or do we take away your suffering and put
it onto ourselves... no parent should ever have to be faced with such a decision, but we was, and we
didn't want you to suffer any more.

13th october daddy kissed my tummy and told you how sorry and how much we all love you, the drive to
the hospital knowing we only had minutes left with you was something i hope we never have to go
through again.
At 10:46 am i felt your last kick and i knew you were gone,your little heart stopped beating, even
the midwives were crying with us. That day, a part of us died with you too.
I had you in my tummy for 2 days untill i could be induced it felt like torture, i longed for you to
kick back when i touched my tummy, i watched you in the bath to see if you made my tummy ripple, but
it didn't, you didn't move, but i could still make out the shape of you, so small and still.

16th october, i could hear women above me in pain giving birth, then a baby cry, i wasn't jelous, it
was lovely to hear a baby cry, i just wished that was me up there.
2:36 am i gave my final push and you were born, so silent.
I didn't want to see you, i didnt no what to expect, what you would look like mommy was scared so
daddy saw you first, i watched as tears streamed down his face, then he brought you over to me.
I needn't have worried, I couldn't help but smile at you, you looked so perfect, i felt so proud of
you, it was hard to imagine so many things were wrong on the inside,you were so beautiful.

Mommy and daddy held you and spent 14 hours with you, memories that we will treasure for ever.
I couldn't stop kissing your tiny feet, and as i lifted up your hat i noticed you had a pointy ear
just like mine and your big brothers.

Saying that final goodbye and giving you that last kiss me and daddy whispered how sorry we was and
how much we love you then the midwife took you away.
Leaving the hospital empty handed was the hardest thing to do, i longed to hold you in my arms, kiss
your cheeks and whisper how much i love you, but i knew that would never happen again, i broke
down.

For those 8 short months you were with us, you made us so happy, and i wouldn't change it for the
world.
I just hope one day you will understand why mommy and daddy did what we did and forgive us for that
decision. We didn't want to bring you into this world to endure nothing but suffering, pain and
misery, instead we have taken away your pain and put it onto our selves, the pain of losing you is
unbearable, the thought of never hearing you cry, chuckle, or seeing your eyes, tucking you into
your cot, or watching you grow is heart breaking, but you are safe now with grandad, away from any
pain or misery, we miss you so much...

Sweet dreams Kaden
All our love
Mommy, daddy and your big brother Kian

xXx